First month

Dear Letta,

your newborn days are running away from us
faster than I thought.
To others, you may still seem little and new.
But I already notice your stare changing,
Your neck gaining independence from my steady hand,
the way you sleep and wake more confident of your new home,
and of course, your many new rolls of soft, perfect baby chubs.

but you are still my newborn-
your soft coos,
delicious milky breath,
sleepy, dreamy eyes almost always,
my baby baby.

before you came,
i loved waking up next to papa-
watching him sleep and dream.
now i get to wake up next to both of you,
oh what bliss!
my two most beloved ones,
sleeping so close to me.

i used to wake in the night
and feel you kicking and moving inside me.
now, you are wiggling next to me on the outside.
sometimes you laugh in your sleep
and i try to imagine what you find funny.
"they" say it's just muscle reflex or gas.
oh no, no.
i think you are dreaming and laughing!
(maybe about the time i accidentally squirted breastmilk in your face
or when you pooped on me because i thought i could feed you without a diaper on.)

you are a hungry little eater.
mama is so happy you feed so well!
at first, I was a little confused and papa and I kept asking,
"she couldn't be hungry, could she? she just ate..."
but after a little while, we stopped wondering and just knew.
you eat just about every hour, unless you are sound asleep.
this gives mama lots of time to snuggle close to you
and cuddle your face and relax while the world carries on.
our sacred feedings.

not only do you love to eat,
you like to suck.
at birth, you had a tiny little lip callous 
so you must have started sucking before we ever met.
at three weeks old, you found your thumb in your sleep.
suckle suckle, suckle suckle.

only dreaming about how much more you'll grow....




it was our first date, if you can call it that.
we did things a bit backwards,
so we had already talked marriage but hadn't gone out yet.
(whatever "out" means)

so there we are, sitting at a little cafe in Queenstown,
five days after meeting each other,
knowing marriage is ahead,
trying to figure out what is now.

i tried to scare him.
silly, i know.
trying to scare a guy who flew across the world
to meet a stranger
and tell her he is going to marry her.
but i though i'd try.

"so, you know.
i want kids.
right away." i say


"i'm ready.
i mean, not today.
but when the time comes,
when we...
get married.
i think,
it goes together-
getting married and having children."

"me too."

that was all he said.

my love,
father of my sweet cherub

here's to the man who, in the last three weeks, has:
soothed a sleepy baby with lullabies,
mastered a leak-proof prefold cloth diaper roll,
given countless kisses and snuggles,
napped a many afternoons (and evenings) with a warm little body on top of him,
delivered countless forgotten burp cloths to a very forgetful mama,
sucked boogies out of the tiniest nostrils,
caught our sweet baby in the water as she was birthed,
and created many sacred moments with our Letta

we love you, papa.

mama & baby letta


a letter to self

Four days after Letta's birth,
I found an envelope that had been delivered a few days earlier.
It was marked "International Par Avion Air" from New Zealand.

I sat and started to open it, wondering what it could be.
maybe a graduation announcement from the Crossing?
or an update letter?

but the moment I opened it, my heart felt a little heavy.
i could see the notebook paper, neatly folded.
i could see my own handwriting
why does it have my handwriting??

then i remembered.
then i wept. and read. and wept.

exactly one year before the day my baby girl was born, i wrote myself a letter.
i sealed it in an envelope and gave it to my director in NZ.
"I'll send it to you sometime.
when i feel it's time" he said.

i forgot about it.

one year later... 
i see, in my own handwriting, her birthday.
and words i needed to read.

May 25, 2011
dear katrina,
....remember not to forget...
He is all. He is in you.
He is faithful. (though you are not)
Lean on Him, give into Him.
Die to yourself (He has crucified your flesh)
every moment.

Behold! the new has come.

you have been blessed beyond measure by the Giver of all good things.
He is faithful and His blessings are to bring Him glory.
He has chosen you to bring Him glory... do it! always!

Give Him your time. Spend time with Him and in His word.
He wants to change you, so yield. Yield.
Don't worry, it's not too late.

This life is not about you, so relax.
Let. Christ. Live.
live in me, Jesus.
(let Him conquer you over & over)

Keep focus. He is all. Christ our life.
stop everything for Him.
let Him live.
listen to His voice in His word.

He will never leave. He never forsakes.