One year

The sun peaks through playfully on the covers
we keep to whispers,
remembering the day, the night
the covenant

our baby nurses,
her eyes heavy
her breathing slows, deepens

Staring at her eyelashes,
her soft baby rolls,
We breathe her in
and we know,
this is what it means
when Two become




Letta's birth

A few weeks before my birth I got a phone call from my dear friend, Blythe.
Blythe mothers four beautiful souls, all born in the water.
Her words and voice played a special role in my birth.
She reminded me that birth is spiritual-
a place to meet God.
Any woman who has birthed knows that you visit a deep place within yourself;
a place you need never go except when bringing life into the world.
In this place, He meets you, prepares you, empowers you,
s a n c t i f i e s 
I meditated over this weeks prior to my birth.

and here's the story.....

Thursday night was cool but not cold, a light jacket was all we needed to enjoy the clear night.
Micah sat and read while I bounced on the birthing ball.
40 weeks and two days pregnant. I didn't expect to have her that night or even that weekend.
But, about 10 minutes into our little night out in our backyard, I felt an odd sensation.
I immediately stood up from the ball and thought, I just peed myself...

"Micah, I think my water broke."


I was not immediately excited, but rather focused.
I am going to have a baby in the next 24 hours. I need to do the dishes. And sleep.It was around 8 o'clock,
A few minutes into doing dishes, I looked at Micah.
He seemed focused too.
Then I got just a little excited

"We're going to have a baby in the next 24 hours!"

We finished dishes and started packing up things to take to my parent's house.
I planned to have my birth in my old bedroom downstairs.
(My own home would have been my first choice, but my insurance didn't let that happen.)

We got into bed around midnight and I hoped to sleep and rest up before the big day.
That. Did. not. Happen.
Contractions picked up and laying down was not comfortable at all.
I tried the different positions I had been practicing in bed,
no no no.
I needed to get out of bed.
Went to the kitchen, made a PBJ, and walked around the house.
Dark, lonely, pre-birth state.

Around 4am, I just couldn't take the anxiousness.
I didn't want to be at my house anymore, I want to be where I would be birthing.
I woke Micah up and told him we needed to go.
 (sometime in all of this I threw up all over the bathroom, just a few inches away from the actual toilet bowl... my amazing husband cleaned it all up while I labored / washed off in the shower)
I slept the half an hour drive to my parents' house, waking slightly through each contraction.
"dream contractions"

After arriving and getting settled, I told Micah to go back to sleep to rest up for the active labor.
my sister arrived, we went downstairs and again, I slept through more of the labor.
I'm not sure what time it was, 8 am or so, I decided I could not sit/sleep through the contractions.
In fact, I didn't know what I could do.
By this point my contractions were what I would call,
Not the birthing ball, not standing, not laying, not kneeling, not sitting, not moving
....not much left..
the shower! 
I could not hold the shower spout so my lovely dear sister helped me through dozens of contractions holding the water to my back and changing water pressures.
instead of "just getting through" or tensing through the contractions,
I let them overtake my entire body
knowing, that each contraction was preparing my body for the birth.

After a few more hours,
I had to get in the tub.
I didn't know how much longer it was going to be,
I thought a lot longer, but i just needed to be in the water.
As soon as I got in, I was desperate to get out.
the contractions had changed and I waddled to the bathroom

"Micah, I think I feel like pushing"

I was confused... how can I feel like pushing so soon?
My midwife was not planning on arriving anytime soon
and it felt too soon to start pushing. but then again, I had no idea.
Micah's mom came down and told me that if I felt it was time to push,
I was probably ready to.

Quickly, between contractions I called Blythe,
"I'm at 9cms,  I'm about to start pushing and I needed to hear your voice!"
Her words were a jumble of cheering and laughing and crying.

I stepped back into the water and began the most intoxicating work I've ever done.

Pushing was by far my favorite part of labor.
Having a purpose and mission during each contraction was empowering!
I pushed for a little under two hours, though it felt like 45 minutes.
At the very end, I knew my control would be crucial in preventing tears.
I closed my eyes, believing and knowing I could take this as slowly as possible...

her head was out!
I reached down into the waters and touched my baby's hair
we were so close!
Slowly, very, very slowly..
breathing and controlling my urge to push when I was not supposed to
And then it was time
Last push and she was out...
quite quickly and slipped into papa's hands along with the hands of our caring midwife.
I reached for her immediately and hugged her to my chest
All 7 pounds of slippery, birthy goodness of a newborn
"Oh my baby, oh my baby" I said over and over

I could hear my mother and sister crying and laughing
My mother-in-law asked for her name

Baby Letta"

Named after my mother's grandmother.

The rest is a warm collection of sacred emotion and intimacy.
But then again, so was the entire experience.
Having finished the written account, I realize words cannot adequately describe

the miracle of birth.

Second & Third Month

Dear Letta,


No more a newborn but, my, are you  
d a r l i n g

you're a little busy girl
exploring with your eyes.
I can only imagine how you see the world.

Your eyes melt me when you look at me while you nurse.
Your soft coos have become more chatty...
I love our afternoon chats!
You beam.
And now half giggles too.

Your hands grab at my hair, shirt, and boobs.
You know exactly how to get your fist in your mouth and you chomp on your hands,
fingers, or somewhere in between.

Tummy time is becoming a daily staple.
You're very close to touching the wooden ring we've hung for you.
You still love being carried in a sling.
You know papa's voice.
We learned to never eat coffee ice cream. ever. again

You've officially grown out of your newborn cloth diapers.
Mama is going to store them in a nice little box for your future pal.

everyday, I see something different and new in you.
aaaaand i fall madly in love over and over.
your papa feels the same way.
everynight, he looks at you while you sleep and I hear him
"I love her"